Friday, December 19, 2008

Mrs Justa and the white knuckle day

Two down, 5 more to go. White knuckle days , as I kindly refer to them. The snow came down fast and hard today, and the roads were treacherous for many. image Some businesses chose to close early,( not where I work) , schools sent kids home by 11:00. It was the 2nd of my normal 7 white knuckle days in a winter season. image

Mark was leery of me driving, and felt he would rather drive the 38 miles each way this morning and this evening, then be sitting home worrying about me driving them alone.

So he was the one with the white knuckles. He does it better then me as far as the stress of it. I am  a good driver , I think, but on the old white knuckle days, I find comfort in belting out the Lord's prayer all the way to and from work. Jesus does take the wheel. For there are times, when I can not see the road in front of me, or there is ice on the pavement that causes the cars to find a deep attraction to ditches, and I swear that Jesus drove the car.

I pray every day, but it is the intense sessions that keep me calm when I am solo on the drive to and from work.

Here I am now, it is 7:40 on Friday night, in the comfort of my home with my husband,dog, cat and bird. There is about 12 inches of hard packed snow in the walkway, it is too cold and the snow too deep for the dog to take his time and try to totally relieve himself, so we will shovel him an area to do that. I will help, as Mark's leg is limiting to what he can do.

I am about to go and start paying some bills, doing some housework, and just chilling for a weekend.

I hope you who dealt with the north east storm, and anyone that had it before it hit here, are all safe.

I will be back later, Love Cindy

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mrs Justa and fear

Gerry Goffin and Carol King had lyrics to a song that said " I love to wander thru the forest , Where the trees have leaves of prisms." A forest path in Redwoods State Park, California. It brings me back to many wanderings through the forest and I find myself chuckling at some times in my past too.

There is a nature center about 8 miles from here , with various paths through the woods. There are times one can go there and be alone on the path with the life that lives within the forest. I have stood real still listening for the hustling of animals scurrying here and there. But being it is a nature center, it brings a safety net to being in the woods.

In my first marriage, back in 1979, my husband had a place where he owned 103 acres and had built a home on it. The safety net of knowing there are people around was not there, as my husband worked 95 minutes away from where we lived, and we were out in the sticks. It was me and these 103 acres. I by nature had been a fairly strong willed person, but when I first moved into this house, I was a frightened, paranoid woman. I had had some very bad experiences in the past 7 years from people that were cruel and mentally abusive, so that led me to be this frail scared person. It was paralyzing to feel that way, and it literally took me weeks to get the nerve to venture into the woods. I was assured by my husband that there was nothing to be afraid of, and that every path he had made in the woods eventually led back to the house. My fear had no rational side to it, it was from being shot down for everything I had done and being told I was nothing for years.

I would go out into the mouth of a path and walk maybe 10 feet, and then turn back and run in the house, locking all the doors. Then I would venture out maybe 15 feet, and again turn around and run back in. Eventually, I talked myself into going in the woods, I remember my heart pounding in my ears, shallow breath, but I was going to conquer this fear of living. So I am in the woods and I hear da-lop, da lop louder and louder, I am thinking it is in my mind, but the noise became so loud I felt it deafening, so an abrupt about face, and I boogied towards the house. Only to find behind me a horse from up the road about 3 miles that had gotten loose and was running through the path I was on.

Well, let me tell you, it took me about a year to get the nerve up to venture out again, that horse scared the be-jeepers out of me. But I am proud to say I did conquer that fear, and many others that I had. And now I love the sounds of the woods, the birds singing in the distance, the occasional chipmunk or squirrel as the hurry to their destination.

I did my own therapy, my own reassuring of myself , through thought and prayer, and I reminded myself in time that life is beautiful, not always happy, but every moment a blessing. If you have fears, oh I understand. it is hard not to have them swallow you up, but if you can conquer them, bit by bit, you too will see how precious every moment we are on this earth is. Love, Cindy ( Photo from adobe sample prints)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mrs Justa and the ocean

The ocean is a place where I can go, where I realize how insignificant I am in the whole scheme of things. 100_1844 The power of the waves crashing on the rocks, the breeze that comes whipping the sand in my face, the majestic never ending sunrise and sunsets along the horizon.

I find peace at the ocean though, whether it is calm or forceful, there is peace in the waves slapping along the shore.

As a child, I grew up in Bridgeport Conn, and I can remember being brought down to the ocean often. We would bring pails and a sifter. We would play in the sand, building sand castles and sifting handfuls of sand looking for that special shell. The waves would come and splash and our sand castle would erode, would tumble.

I was 4 1/2 when we moved from there, but we would return a few times after. It was an colonial early American town when I lived there, I went back as an adult and it's characteristics had changed. It seemed more run down, more unsettling.

I have gone to the ocean in Virginia, in Maine , on the cape, and in Massachusetts. No matter where I have gone, I find the solitude of the water, the insignificance of me, and time seems to stop there. I get swallowed up in the wonder, as the water goes on forever, and I realize I am just a drop of water in the sea of life. It shapes me up, it puts me down to where I need to think, meditate, pray and be thankful. It helps my mental health, as I feel my mind emptying all the ugliness and soaking in pure. I hope each of you have a special part of the world that can be an escape. Love, Cindy

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Mrs Justa and "Old Dogs , children and watermelon wine"

There is an old song that I happened to hear the a part of it this morning and it was titled "Old Dogs and Children and Watermelon Wine". by Tom T. Hall . It is about a man who is drinking at a bar and an older man is cleaning the bar, he spikes up a conversation with the man having a drink....
There were a few  lines that hit me .

"Ain't but three things in this world that's worth a solitary dime,
But old dogs and children and watermelon wine."

 "He said, "Women think about themselves, when men-folk ain't around. "
( I do not totally agree with the women part, but I may be in denial LOL)
And friends are hard to find when they discover that you're down."
I am agreeing to an extent on this one, Mark and I do have a few good friends, who will not ever let you down, no matter what. But in the road of life I have found, for myself and for others, that there have been friends and family that turn away when things are not going well. Have I turned away on others?
He said, "I tried it all when I was young and in my natural prime, Now it's old dogs and children and watermelon wine." 100_1762_edited

I do not know if you have every had a dog, but I am reminded of the various dogs we have had. And it is so accurate. A dog will stay with you whether you are well or ill, wealthy or poor, angry or happy. This little guy has been with us for a year now, we got him from the SPCA. I can not imagine the pain the owners must have had letting him go. They have unconditional love.

And a child,  100_1903 how can the innocence and love of a child not be worth every penny in the world. Children do not come into the world hating, nor being nasty, they do not know revenge, the world helps to characterize the child into an adult. I know that some of us have biological disorders which destine us to have physical or emotional qualities. But at the time a child is young, there is a feeling of total innocence, total trust.

I heard this song and wanted to share it, as it touched a part of my heart, and made me soul search to see what kind of friend and family I have been. Love to all, Cindy