Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mrs justa moving day

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002 006010 Ready, set , go. The foundation is done, the U haul is ordered, and here we almost go! I did go and see Mark tonight and he is still feeling pretty low ebb. He will get through this all, and I think the move behind us will certainly alleviate some of the stress.

We got the banks inspection done today, we just have to take all the furniture from here and bring it to there. UGGG!

Indi's bags are packed for a day at the kennel and I just went up and put the house number on the house, took a picture and had to send it to the bank inspector. SO a long time coming, but this is it!

Time Warner is coming out on Monday, so we should be back up then.  Have a very safe weekend everyone. Think of us as you have a moment and keep us in your prayers, Until then- peace, love and understanding, Cindy

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Mrs Justa saying hi for MR Justa

Marks recliner is once again empty. He is back in the hospital getting medications changed, adjusted and hopefully able to tackle the anxiety which is at an all time max, and help with the depression. I did get to see him tonight for a little while, he was admitted this afternoon and had not yet had any meds- so he was pretty sweaty, anxious and unsure of anything. Before I left, he did have meds given. I guess Depakote is being added to the Ativan and Wellbutrin, but I am not totally sure.


So for the time being, Imus will guard his chair, well at least for the next 2 days. Friday is moving day. I will probably post for Mark tomorrow night and will do the wordpress one too. but then the computer is down until Monday.

I really do not think he will be discharged over the weekend, but I am not sure. I feel so bad for him. It is hard to watch someone feel like they have no control over their being.

As far as the move. Jeff and his good friend Gary are the guys who will make it happen. I have moved alot of the stuff in the car , and have the kitchen bathrooms and some of the spare bedroom set up. But we need furniture to put stuff in and on, I did go to Wally world and get 2 book shelves- ( those suckers were kinda bulky and weighted 70 lb each, they are camped out at the new place and Jeff said he will put them together this weekend.

I am kenneling the dog and the cat will be the last to go, after I come back and do a final cleaning here.It is going to be so nice to only have one place to reside instead of this 2 place chaos. So I am off for now, doing laundry and getting ready for one mare day of packing and moving stuff. Love to all, Cindy

Monday, July 7, 2008

Mrs Justa and depression

This was titled the "black hole of my soul"image courtesy of joshpoems.blogspot via google images and I thought it fascinating. This reminds me of depression, of the feeling of being deep into it and away from the real soul that is laying dormant for the time being.

It is painful to go through it and painful to watch. As most of you know, Mark is in a slump right now, feeling very anxious and depressed. Optimistically I have seen seconds of the normal Mark surface, only to get sucked back into the black hole.

At the family reunion some of my relatives told me they have been there too, they wanted me to assure him that even though it feels like this is a forever state, that it won't be. I truly believe that. I too have fought some pretty tough times in my life, when I thought I was destined to cry every weekend and to feel like life would always be a struggle. But I climbed out of the hole that was sucking the life out of me, and I can look back on it now and feel relieved it is only a vision in the rear view mirror of my life and not a reality any more.

Life is funny, we can be just full of energy and visions, and poof, within moments, something clicks and we are lucky to be able to get up out of bed.

I know, for me, that depression is in the background, and not far away in the mirror. Somehow, at least for the time being, I am able to keep it in my dust and I travel my road of life. I know there were times, when Jeff had gone to his dads for the weekend, and Mark was trucking, that the bed was a comfort, I napped all day, I know that was depression. Selfishly I would have kept Jeff every weekend, but I knew he needed to see his dad, and it was so hard on those every other weekends when he maybe would have rather stayed at my place, because I would have let him, yet I forced myself to be upbeat and tell him it would be okay. Then I would go home, and the minutes became hours and I had no ambition to do anything but sulk and let my soul get sucked into that black hole. When my marriage broke up, Jeff was what kept me together, kept me from doing anything stupid, kept me wanting to be the best for him.

My heart goes out to everyone suffering from depression, it is lonely, it feels like a forever, but it does get better. I hope you can find someone or something to help to get you from the black hole of your soul, as I found first in Jeff and my love for him, in prayer and faith that God would help me over the edge of my own black hole, and then a year later in Mark and Adrianne and the love and joy they brought to us. Please believe that, and when you can see your depression in your own rear view mirror, speed up and loose it in your dust. I love you all, Cindy

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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Mrs Justa and the reunion

Hello all, We are Back. Mark did go013 down with us which was cool, that way he was not stuck up here in this half emptied home . This is kind of depressing , the shelves

are empty and it does not feel like home. Home is made up of things and memories, without them it is more of a shell. Kind of like how Mark feels right now, like a shell of himself.

The reunion was nice. We saw 34 folks show up for it, that is good. I always wish for one year  that everyone would be there. But I also understand some do not like to camp.

We did a cabin this year. We normally camp in the state park with everyone else, but the cabin was a different experience. It was 8 miles from the park, so not too far to go to and come back to the reunion. It unfortunately became the only place that Mark stayed, but it was okay- it was safe and we were able to come back and see him.

My sister Karen and her husband Tim actually came back to the cabin to visit with Mark for a while Saturday afternoon. Jeff and Amanda and I went up there with them, and we did have a nice visit, after an hr or so we returned to the reunion for the dinner time. Mark stayed at the cabin, just not himself, very depressed and anxious, and not able to tolerate all the commotion.

But it was okay with everyone, everyone understood, and he was able to drive for 1/2 the trip both ways, which in itself is a great improvement over last Monday when driving was a task to hard to take. 100_1533Our family was fun, they are so sincere and real people,  I love the gathering of everyone, to see the kids and how they have grown. To see my brothers , sisters and their spouses and just talk to them, give each other hugs and know it was a memory in time that was worth it.

I am blessed with a wonderful family, and I can not ever take that for granted. I am going to get ready for tomorrow, to finish the laundry and vacuum the house. May each of you find comfort in those that love you too. Love Cindy