Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mrs Justa and fear

Gerry Goffin and Carol King had lyrics to a song that said " I love to wander thru the forest , Where the trees have leaves of prisms." A forest path in Redwoods State Park, California. It brings me back to many wanderings through the forest and I find myself chuckling at some times in my past too.

There is a nature center about 8 miles from here , with various paths through the woods. There are times one can go there and be alone on the path with the life that lives within the forest. I have stood real still listening for the hustling of animals scurrying here and there. But being it is a nature center, it brings a safety net to being in the woods.

In my first marriage, back in 1979, my husband had a place where he owned 103 acres and had built a home on it. The safety net of knowing there are people around was not there, as my husband worked 95 minutes away from where we lived, and we were out in the sticks. It was me and these 103 acres. I by nature had been a fairly strong willed person, but when I first moved into this house, I was a frightened, paranoid woman. I had had some very bad experiences in the past 7 years from people that were cruel and mentally abusive, so that led me to be this frail scared person. It was paralyzing to feel that way, and it literally took me weeks to get the nerve to venture into the woods. I was assured by my husband that there was nothing to be afraid of, and that every path he had made in the woods eventually led back to the house. My fear had no rational side to it, it was from being shot down for everything I had done and being told I was nothing for years.

I would go out into the mouth of a path and walk maybe 10 feet, and then turn back and run in the house, locking all the doors. Then I would venture out maybe 15 feet, and again turn around and run back in. Eventually, I talked myself into going in the woods, I remember my heart pounding in my ears, shallow breath, but I was going to conquer this fear of living. So I am in the woods and I hear da-lop, da lop louder and louder, I am thinking it is in my mind, but the noise became so loud I felt it deafening, so an abrupt about face, and I boogied towards the house. Only to find behind me a horse from up the road about 3 miles that had gotten loose and was running through the path I was on.

Well, let me tell you, it took me about a year to get the nerve up to venture out again, that horse scared the be-jeepers out of me. But I am proud to say I did conquer that fear, and many others that I had. And now I love the sounds of the woods, the birds singing in the distance, the occasional chipmunk or squirrel as the hurry to their destination.

I did my own therapy, my own reassuring of myself , through thought and prayer, and I reminded myself in time that life is beautiful, not always happy, but every moment a blessing. If you have fears, oh I understand. it is hard not to have them swallow you up, but if you can conquer them, bit by bit, you too will see how precious every moment we are on this earth is. Love, Cindy ( Photo from adobe sample prints)


PrimeTime said...

I know that feeling of being told you are nothing. It happened to me as a child growing up by my own dad. I know the feeling and i know the fear. Glad you overcame what you feared. It must have been hard for you. I know it was hard for me to finally get past it all. Im loving this blog, guys...keep on posting!

Mark Krusen said...

Thanks Prime Time, I am thrilled you like this. Sometimes it is tough to enter on a night, but we try not to skip too many nights. Life is full of so much good and not so good times, it is nice when others can relate to what I or Mark have experienced.
You are right on, it took so much inner strength to get over the ridicule.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for your understanding. Cindy