Mrs Justa and depression

43 Things Tags: depression,lost,lonely,scared,frightened,real

I saw this on google image and it spoke to me. Depression, it is real, it can consume your every breath. It makes the sun exist but not be seen. It makes everyone in your life disappear, even if they are right there.

I have faced depression in my life, at various times. My depression I think has always been situational, but some of us are born with a major depressive disorder that is always there, gnawing in the background, sometimes able to be controlled by medication, but what happens if you can not afford the medication, or a situation makes the depression rear its ugly face.

People who have never been depressed, they think a person can snap out of it. It is not that easy. It is consuming, it is suffocating, it is controlling, it is numbing, it is  lonely. 

In my life I have been around people with various degrees of depression. Treatment is essential to conquer or control the depression.

Fortunately for me, in my most horrible times in life, I sought counsel, and talking helped me get through it.Once the counsel was a priest at a church where I lived, once a school counselor, once a counselor through the county who saw me on a sliding scale.  I had been given valium once for a terrible event in my life, and another time librium. These were for short periods of time , to get me over the hump.Life was never guaranteed to be easy, and I think most of us can testify to that. My wish is that if you know someone who is going through a time of depression, be there for them, listen, do not judge, be patient, sit next to them, try to talk, try to encourage them to talk with a counselor.

If they feel suicidal, stop and help them get immediate assistance through an ER or psychiatric emergency center.  The worse you can do, is go on your way, and say they will be better in a day or two.

As the depression lifted, it was like slowly watching color come back into a black and white world. I could see the sun did not forget to come up. I would analyze myself as being so low I had to pull my socks down to see. How I felt inner strength as I unfolded the sock top and saw colors in the world.
Not one of us has a guarantee we will not face depression in our lifetime. And if and when you do, you will want to have a someone at your doorstep, whether from afar on an e mail, or in the same room. I know of some who are suffering at this very moment, to them I say, I am here, as I know you would be , if I needed you too. Love and prayers, Mrs Justa

Mrs Justa and friends

43 Things Tags: friends,friendships,truth,spiritual filling,honesty,pretending,lonely

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand,nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship: it is the spiritual inspiration  that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. " Ralph Waldo Emerson. I chose this photo because of its representation of tranquility to me.

This quote on friendship is mind opening . When I am a friend to others, how often is the friendship offered by an outstretched hand. How often do we inspire our friends spiritually?

What kind of friends do you have? What kind of friend are you? What kind of friends are in your life?

I have never had many friends. Never lived a life like those portrayed on movies and prime time shows, where all the friends gather around for what seems like most of their lives, doing things, going places.

What friends I have are true friends. They accept me for me, they ask me not to be anything I am not. I hope they trust me and believe in me, and I feel that way about my dear friends too.

But, and this is a big but, how many times have those who said they were my friend in years gone by, were they really only pretending, only saying it because at the time they felt like it was necessary to say it?

I remember in high school I thought I had good friends. Not many, but few, and good ones. And what happened was we graduated, and we never spoke to one another again, we never saw one another, we never cared to share our lives . So according to Ralph Waldo Emerson, these were not friends. I longed for high school friends after I graduated, and I pathetically have studied my year book for years, looking at faces and names, so if by chance , I saw someone in public that resembled an older image of one of the 564 kids I graduated with, that I would be able to say hi to them, and ask, " Did you go to Liverpool High School?" and if they said yes, then I would say, " what year did you graduate?" And if they said 1971, I would ask them if they were so and so, they most of the time are that person, but they never knew who I was.

I was the misfit in school, the lonely one, in second hand home made clothes, the kid that other kids walked by in the hall, the kid who asked  the popular kids to sign my year book, ( because they were not going to come to me to offer to sign it). The kid who thought that I had good friends, only to find out after June 1971, that I was alone in the world.

We need to be good friends to others, we need to take the time to let them know we care, we need to let them know they are important to us. So as I sign off, I beg you, please look at your friendships, look at how you treat them, and don't let them be left alone in this very big world. Love , Mrs Justa

Mrs Justa and depression within

43 Things Tags: depression,hidden feelings,life,reality

Louis L'Amour once said' It is always easier to travel then to stop. As long as one travels toward a promise land, the dream is there; to stop means to face reality"

That is pretty heavy in the reflection of my life. I am always going, always busy. Cleaning, cooking, working, singing, always doing something. I love to be busy, but is it that I love to be busy so I do not have to face me? 

When I have been stopped, mostly due to a medical reason, like a fracture or after a surgery, or maybe with the flu, that is when reality comes up to my face real close!

I remember back when I had had ankle surgery, and the simple procedure had become complicated and I was non weight bearing for 6 weeks. In the beginning the pain was incredible, and I was hostage to the recliner. I found a dark side of me, it is probably always there, but when I am buzzing around, it is hidden .

I found I slept, I found I felt depressed, I found I felt like " Is that all there is" about my life in general.Captive within myself.  I watched Jerry Springer and divorce court to feel better about my hostage life in the blue recliner.

I would watch TV and see people who appeared to have it all, money with no end, unending time to travel, incredible homes, always friends over for parties, it just made me feel like my homebodiness was abnormal.

It is weird, but I feel like a misfit when I stop and really think about reality. I am not the model on TV, or the wealthy person with a social calendar that is unending, I am plain ol me. I think I like who me is. Yeah I do. I love existing with my family, I love being home, I hate crowds, I like watching the same sappy movie over and over again, I like singing to the karaoke songs, I love cleaning and mowing, sewing and taking photos, doing some crafts. I love nursing, love being nice to people, love helping others, love going to church. But am I blah?

So I must keep busy, keep traveling through life, that keeps the dark side covered and the road moving.

So I am off to be busy, bills to pay, laundry to wash... busy me.... Love to all, Mrs Justa.

Mrs Justa and Mr Justa

43 Things Tags: llife,depression,Mark,Healing,improving

Don't look too quick, or you will miss him. Here he is. Mr Justa. This recliner has been his support, his comfort, his life for the majority of the past year and 2/3rds. He is trying to get better, trying to overcome the obstacles that life has in his path. Indi is always by his side, as he is in this shot. Indi is a good companion, although there are times when he can be a pest, wanting to play ball over and over again.

Mr Justa is coming out of the depression. He is beginning to see light instead of darkness. I AM THRILLED. I know it takes a long time to overcome the lowest part of depression, it hurts to watch someone go through it, and it is hard being a cheerleader to someone who can't believe what you are saying. But my cheering will continue, I will support him through this all, and I know things will continue to improve.

Life at the house is okay, Money is incredibly tight, but money is not everything. I had a doctors appointment this afternoon, so I took 1/2 a day off, and we tag teamed mowed after I got home. Mark uses the rider, I pushed around the parameter of the house, the shed and around the bushes that line the property line.

It took us about an hr, it was 70 degrees out, a slight breeze, it felt good and it looks great.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes for Mark and his recovery. Without them  this would be much tougher. And I do believe soon, there may be more of MR Justa and less of me. Love to all, Mrs Justa.

Mrs Justa on abuse

43 Things Tags: abuse,harm,being blind,helping a child

"Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel" 

Today is dedicated to a little girl I do not know,

a little girl that the news clips say was murdered. A homicide they say. This song I have sung in karaoke bars, Martina McBride sang this song a few years back. No one really knows the story of this child, or many more like her, but the thought of going through life, however long it may be, and being abused, it is so troubling to me. Abuse is a game of Satan, it eats those victims alive, it mars and scars them , and often, no one sees the scars or ugliness.

Oh people can assume, or after something happens and it is known this person is a victim, then we can look in our rear view mirrors of life and say- I should have seen it, I should have known. May you rest in peace , oh little one, and may the gates of heaven and the golden streets, take away all your pain.

And please, if you think there is a child in need, do not turn away, call and leave a tip on a hot line or to the police. Love and peace, Cindy

Mrs Justa and never claiming to be MR Justa...

43 Things Tags: depression,anxiety,overwhelmed,Mark,disappointment

I was reading some of the blogs of friends Mark had encountered during his blogging days and on one there were some comments posted that referred to Mark's blog and that "I took it over".  I must admit I was hurt, maybe disappointed in the misinterpretation of my intent of writing on this blog. I am unaware how many of you have ever dealt with SEVERE depression, the kind that sucks your energy out, the kind that makes every day seem worthless, the kind that makes a person not care about a darn thing. Well when Mark hit low, I knew he had blogging friends so I thought I would post on what was going on, I guess I was doing it because I thought people cared about what was happening.And I truly believe that some have appreciated it.

I did it so that once MR Justa ( Mark) felt he was able to jump on, you would already know what had happened in the past months. In doing this, there have been some people who have continued to comment, and as soon as I see a comment I thought I was posting it. There are people who have commented that I felt a bond with, because they are so real, so sincere.

I have NEVER screened comments or chosen not to post them. I do however not get on line every day. My job takes me away from home 12 - 13 hrs a day. I manage about 20 people and often have things I bring home with me to do.

I have a house to run, a husband who is healing , a dog, cat and parakeet, and now a new grandson. Life is so busy for me. We have just moved into a new place and there have been a lot of things I have had to help out with, if not do myself. Marks depression and very low state caused him to be admitted 2 times in patient, so along with the hrs I worked, I too had the 50 mile one way trek to the hospital every day. And I would not change anything I have had to do.

I never meant to disappoint anyone, and for the person who commented the "something is just not right"- well I gotta agree with you,our life here has not felt right for a very long time. I can not possibly every expect to be Mark on line, again that was not my intent. I am not versed on bi-polar--- so referencing this site for bi-polar right now is probably not a great reference. Marks doc says he has depression and anxiety disorder and not bi-polar--- I do not know. I used this photo because it represents the void that is felt by him not posting, and again, I will post, but it is not to "take over" Mark's site, it was because I love him, and he really worked hard to make this site what it was, so my intent was to give it some oxygen, to keep it alive, until one day he begins to feel alive again too.

Mrs Justa and the homefront

How weird a day- I went to where we used to live, and watched the home transporters hook up to the front of our old home to deliver it to the new owners place.  Only to come to our new place and see our old home come into the housing development we have moved into .

It was so weird to see the place we had 16 yrs of memories in kind of follow us as we had left it behind.

I really did love that house, and I hope it bring the special moments to someone else that it did for us.

Unfortunately the age of the home made it impossible for us to do a land/home deal with it. We had to get a newer home.

So as our old home gets set up about half way up the road from us, here we are trying to feel at home in the new house.

There are many stressors with this move, and most are able to successfully conquer.

First is the yard, Mark loves a mowed yard and he used to mow ours when he was able. He and I did a few sessions of both mowing and we would meet wherever we ended up. This yard is definitely too big to tag team on in a 30 or 45 minute stretch- I am thinking 2 of us pushing it would be close to 2 hours.

We are going to look at riders tomorrow- see if we can find one within a certain amount of money, and have it be one that will hold up.

Mark is very worried about his future right now, his depression is enveloping his visions to an area he can not see or feel. His get up and go has got up and went. It is a struggle to do stuff, I truly believe part of this is due to the medications, and they seem to not be attacking the depression and anxiety, which is fueled by this new home, the higher bills and his lack of being able to work right now.

I gotta tell you, I fell awful for him, I do try to encourage him and tell him this is not forever, but when you are low, so low there is no light, well words are just words, kinda wasted air.

I will take a shot of the lawn machine we end up with, Jeff and Justin have committed to help us with the lawn, but I am thinking  if we had a rider, it would give Mark something he could do during the week too.Walking this yard would not be impossible, but it would be a challenge. I am willing to give it a good honest try, but I really think a rider would be better.So more to follow... have a good weekend. Love Cindy- Mrs justa

43 Things Tags: mowing,depression,home,life

Mrs Justa walking down the path with Justakrusen

This was titled "the lonely path".

I can see why. There is no real color, everything is kind of dull, there is however a ray of sunshine in the horizon. (courtest of yaadein.wordpress.com). A ray of hope, a glimmer of light. That light , as it brightens may bring color to a lonely path in life.

That is how it is right now for Mark.

He is on the lonely path. He had a blogging buddy who wrote that he felt like a "non person" right now. Well that is pretty much how Mark feels right now.

To be alone on a path,

given medication to help to sleep, help to decrease anxiety and decrease depression, but the problem ( as I see it) is that the meds can sometimes cause one to feel lost, drugged, like  zombie. It is a vicious circle, you need the meds for where you are at right now, but as you improve, are the meds making you where you are at.

For a man who his whole life has worked and worked hard,

to exist in a day to day world of having nothing to do , having doctors tell you you can not work, and not feel safe enough or secure enough to seek out other options, every day is the same, well this is hard. He does it, sometimes harder times getting through the day then other times, but he does it. And I know, that once the accentuated depression and anxiety gets in check, and the meds start to be decreased, he will see that sunlight on that lonely path. Until then, I will be his light, I will guide him down the path, and we are blessed with friends and family who are there too, who understand. He is blessed with a social worker who really cares about him and a psychiatrist who will work with him, so we are headed down the right path, it is hard, it is slow, but we will get there, and maybe one day , maybe even one day soon, he will shine through this blog as the sun is shining in the distance. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Love, Cindy and Mr Justakrusen

43 Things Tags: depression,lost,direction,hope

Mrs Justa and settling in

Ahhh. That says a lot! The house is there, the boxes and bins are mostly emptied, the truck is returned, the lawn is green and the rocks have been somewhat raked and grass seed planted around the house.

This is home, or so folks say it is. Our stuff is in it, but it is not the magic feeling of home yet. Mark is here, the dog and cat are here, Jeff and his wife Amanda have been out a few times, and Jeff, Justin, Amanda, Sarge and Jake helped to make it happen. It is weird though, it feels like we are intruding in someone else's world.

I thought it would be like in the movies- poof, ownership and lust for the new place all at once. Do not get me wrong, I think we both like it , and I think once I have everything where it belongs, I will have grown to love it too.

We do still need to get a rider, Jeff and Justin have offered to help us out through the summer so that we can maybe find a deal on one this fall.

Mark is not out of the depression funk, but ya know, little glimmers happen where I can see the shell is starting to break and he is there waiting for a new day, a new light. The drive to work has increased a little, I think tonight was the best timed ride so far, 38 minutes instead of the 28 I used to drive. So not so bad. The car is  averaging 37.5 miles per gallon, so again not so bad.

It is quiet here, yet a lot of folks drive this road we are on. The pets seem to have adjusted, another plus and we are not short on the furniture end, another good thing. An empty house is deceiving, it looks like there will never be enough furniture, but we have plenty.

I was wondering the other day what people do when they can not afford a home. We are a spoiled society, really. We feel we are entitled to need more, have more. In church they we talking about a man and his family with 6 kids who live in Honduras, they live in a 10x10 1 room home ! Imagine that- a dirt floor and all 8 of your family living in a 10x10. We need to stop, look around and be thankful for what we have. For most of us, when we think we have nothing- think about this man and his family of 8.

I am off to appreciate all we have and to see what of what we have i can share with the rescue mission, so someone else with less can benefit. Say a prayer of thanks for all you have, love, Cindy

43 Things Tags: thanks,blessing,moving

Mrs Justa saying hi for MR Justa

Marks recliner is once again empty. He is back in the hospital getting medications changed, adjusted and hopefully able to tackle the anxiety which is at an all time max, and help with the depression. I did get to see him tonight for a little while, he was admitted this afternoon and had not yet had any meds- so he was pretty sweaty, anxious and unsure of anything. Before I left, he did have meds given. I guess Depakote is being added to the Ativan and Wellbutrin, but I am not totally sure.

So for the time being, Imus will guard his chair, well at least for the next 2 days. Friday is moving day. I will probably post for Mark tomorrow night and will do the wordpress one too. but then the computer is down until Monday.

I really do not think he will be discharged over the weekend, but I am not sure. I feel so bad for him. It is hard to watch someone feel like they have no control over their being.

As far as the move. Jeff and his good friend Gary are the guys who will make it happen. I have moved alot of the stuff in the car , and have the kitchen bathrooms and some of the spare bedroom set up. But we need furniture to put stuff in and on, I did go to Wally world and get 2 book shelves- ( those suckers were kinda bulky and weighted 70 lb each, they are camped out at the new place and Jeff said he will put them together this weekend.

I am kenneling the dog and the cat will be the last to go, after I come back and do a final cleaning here.It is going to be so nice to only have one place to reside instead of this 2 place chaos. So I am off for now, doing laundry and getting ready for one mare day of packing and moving stuff. Love to all, Cindy

43 Things Tags: Mark,in patient,depression,anxiety,the move

Mrs Justa and depression

This was titled the "black hole of my soul" courtesy of joshpoems.blogspot via google images and I thought it fascinating. This reminds me of depression, of the feeling of being deep into it and away from the real soul that is laying dormant for the time being.

It is painful to go through it and painful to watch. As most of you know, Mark is in a slump right now, feeling very anxious and depressed. Optimistically I have seen seconds of the normal Mark surface, only to get sucked back into the black hole.

At the family reunion some of my relatives told me they have been there too, they wanted me to assure him that even though it feels like this is a forever state, that it won't be. I truly believe that. I too have fought some pretty tough times in my life, when I thought I was destined to cry every weekend and to feel like life would always be a struggle. But I climbed out of the hole that was sucking the life out of me, and I can look back on it now and feel relieved it is only a vision in the rear view mirror of my life and not a reality any more.

Life is funny, we can be just full of energy and visions, and poof, within moments, something clicks and we are lucky to be able to get up out of bed.

I know, for me, that depression is in the background, and not far away in the mirror. Somehow, at least for the time being, I am able to keep it in my dust and I travel my road of life. I know there were times, when Jeff had gone to his dads for the weekend, and Mark was trucking, that the bed was a comfort, I napped all day, I know that was depression. Selfishly I would have kept Jeff every weekend, but I knew he needed to see his dad, and it was so hard on those every other weekends when he maybe would have rather stayed at my place, because I would have let him, yet I forced myself to be upbeat and tell him it would be okay. Then I would go home, and the minutes became hours and I had no ambition to do anything but sulk and let my soul get sucked into that black hole. When my marriage broke up, Jeff was what kept me together, kept me from doing anything stupid, kept me wanting to be the best for him.

My heart goes out to everyone suffering from depression, it is lonely, it feels like a forever, but it does get better. I hope you can find someone or something to help to get you from the black hole of your soul, as I found first in Jeff and my love for him, in prayer and faith that God would help me over the edge of my own black hole, and then a year later in Mark and Adrianne and the love and joy they brought to us. Please believe that, and when you can see your depression in your own rear view mirror, speed up and loose it in your dust. I love you all, Cindy

43 Things Tags: depression,loss,life,suffering