Mrs Justa and depression

This was titled the "black hole of my soul" courtesy of joshpoems.blogspot via google images and I thought it fascinating. This reminds me of depression, of the feeling of being deep into it and away from the real soul that is laying dormant for the time being.

It is painful to go through it and painful to watch. As most of you know, Mark is in a slump right now, feeling very anxious and depressed. Optimistically I have seen seconds of the normal Mark surface, only to get sucked back into the black hole.

At the family reunion some of my relatives told me they have been there too, they wanted me to assure him that even though it feels like this is a forever state, that it won't be. I truly believe that. I too have fought some pretty tough times in my life, when I thought I was destined to cry every weekend and to feel like life would always be a struggle. But I climbed out of the hole that was sucking the life out of me, and I can look back on it now and feel relieved it is only a vision in the rear view mirror of my life and not a reality any more.

Life is funny, we can be just full of energy and visions, and poof, within moments, something clicks and we are lucky to be able to get up out of bed.

I know, for me, that depression is in the background, and not far away in the mirror. Somehow, at least for the time being, I am able to keep it in my dust and I travel my road of life. I know there were times, when Jeff had gone to his dads for the weekend, and Mark was trucking, that the bed was a comfort, I napped all day, I know that was depression. Selfishly I would have kept Jeff every weekend, but I knew he needed to see his dad, and it was so hard on those every other weekends when he maybe would have rather stayed at my place, because I would have let him, yet I forced myself to be upbeat and tell him it would be okay. Then I would go home, and the minutes became hours and I had no ambition to do anything but sulk and let my soul get sucked into that black hole. When my marriage broke up, Jeff was what kept me together, kept me from doing anything stupid, kept me wanting to be the best for him.

My heart goes out to everyone suffering from depression, it is lonely, it feels like a forever, but it does get better. I hope you can find someone or something to help to get you from the black hole of your soul, as I found first in Jeff and my love for him, in prayer and faith that God would help me over the edge of my own black hole, and then a year later in Mark and Adrianne and the love and joy they brought to us. Please believe that, and when you can see your depression in your own rear view mirror, speed up and loose it in your dust. I love you all, Cindy

43 Things Tags: depression,loss,life,suffering

Mrs Justa and the reunion

Hello all, We are Back. Mark did go down with us which was cool, that way he was not stuck up here in this half emptied home . This is kind of depressing , the shelves

are empty and it does not feel like home. Home is made up of things and memories, without them it is more of a shell. Kind of like how Mark feels right now, like a shell of himself.

The reunion was nice. We saw 34 folks show up for it, that is good. I always wish for one year  that everyone would be there. But I also understand some do not like to camp.

We did a cabin this year. We normally camp in the state park with everyone else, but the cabin was a different experience. It was 8 miles from the park, so not too far to go to and come back to the reunion. It unfortunately became the only place that Mark stayed, but it was okay- it was safe and we were able to come back and see him.

My sister Karen and her husband Tim actually came back to the cabin to visit with Mark for a while Saturday afternoon. Jeff and Amanda and I went up there with them, and we did have a nice visit, after an hr or so we returned to the reunion for the dinner time. Mark stayed at the cabin, just not himself, very depressed and anxious, and not able to tolerate all the commotion.

But it was okay with everyone, everyone understood, and he was able to drive for 1/2 the trip both ways, which in itself is a great improvement over last Monday when driving was a task to hard to take. Our family was fun, they are so sincere and real people,  I love the gathering of everyone, to see the kids and how they have grown. To see my brothers , sisters and their spouses and just talk to them, give each other hugs and know it was a memory in time that was worth it.

I am blessed with a wonderful family, and I can not ever take that for granted. I am going to get ready for tomorrow, to finish the laundry and vacuum the house. May each of you find comfort in those that love you too. Love Cindy

43 Things Tags: depression,family,reunion,love,blessing

Mrs Justa and the 4th of July

43 Things Tags: 4th of July,camping,family,Mark

(Courtesy of  www.orientaltrading.com) The smiling faces are because Mark is home. I know he is not feeling like smiling yet, so these will have to do for now. I am smiling for him.

We have had more issues with the house and the darn getting the certificate of occupancy- but we are getting there. I had to get a certified electrician to come and inspect the place, so that was done today, needed the water district dude to inspect the water- that was done before- so he hopefully faxed it to the town, smoke detectors in every room, done and the warranty seal is there. So now the skirting and I think we are on a serious roll to move in next Friday.

My side of the family is having their reunion this weekend in Allegheny State Park. We come from Arizona, Mich, Mass, RI, Alabama, Kentucky and Syracuse area. I have 8 living brothers and sisters, some with kids that have kids of their own. It is nice to see everyone. I just found out one of my sisters rolled her car on the way down. Her daughter, son and sons friend are ok, the car and car top carrier are not. Seems she just had tires put on , and the store maybe felt lug nuts need not be tightened. So her tire fell off going 65 mph. They are all at the hospital now, about 2 1/2 hrs from here, and some of the reunion goers are going to help salvage her belongings, my brothers are driving 2 cars down instead of one- so she has a car to return in and my sister has a van and has gone to pick up the gang at the hospital. What a way to start the reunion!!

Thank God they had the car top carrier on it, I bet it cushioned the roll. My niece has some scraps, but they are all alive.

I am not leaving till tomorrow night, so no blog for the weekend, Mark may or may not go, it depends how he feels tomorrow night. It sounds like pretty good weather. Mark had rented a cabin for us about 8 mi north of the park, so we will stay at the cabin and go to the park for the gatherings. I am excited about going , yet wish Mark felt better. Now I am worried about my sister and kids, but it sounds like they are VERY lucky. Jeff and Amanda are staying with us Sat night at the cabin, we are all returning Sunday. It will be short, but nice. I hope all have a good 4th of July, stay safe, don't play with fire crackers- let the pros do it.

Love to all, Mrs and Mr Justakrusen

Mrs Justa and the pathway of life

Life is a road, a path sometimes an interstate. Life goes on until it doesn't. I find that comforting yet scary in a way. I sometimes find the pathway with a "T" in the path, and sometimes it is a total intersection. I wonder what makes me determine the path to take, the road to follow. What if I had not taken that path, would the other way end up intersecting with the way I chose down the road further?

I was visiting Mark this afternoon, and I began to think about the paths we have chosen and roads we have traveled. I was observing the people as I drove up there,  all who have different life pathways, and are where they are because of directions in crossroads that they or other folks took.

Each person has a story, each life is special to at least one other person. Each of us had a mom and dad, no matter what we felt of the mom and dad, at one point those people were filled with wonder about what their child would be like.(courtesy of windows vista)We are each here because of the choice our parents made on their own path of life.

We all came into this world innocent, with a life pathway that was many lengths, many bumps, some very smooth. What happened in the pathway to rob us of our innocence, to harden us. I don't understand. IS it that the people and incidents we have been exposed to have made us more cynical at times? Or is it that we have been treated poorly that has made us bitter?

Life's pathway choices are not only for people, all life forms take paths, and the road chosen will either direct them to a positive or a negative experience, to a more comforting or more challenging future. If these geese choose the wrong pathway, it could be fatal for them.

I know not where the current path I am on is leading to, nor do I know what lies ahead for Mark, I believe it will be less bumpy then the part we are on right now. I do know the choice he took right now was a wise choice, to be stabilized on meds  in an in patient setting, and get in control of the direction he is heading on the path, instead of the path taking control. Does that make sense? So my thought is to be careful at the intersection, make sure that you think before you make your choices, and enjoy the walk down the path of your life. You can not turn back, you must keep going forward, find peace, watch for holes, find that beam of light. May God Bless you all, Cindy

43 Things Tags: choices. life,innocent,bitterness